What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is our ability to identify and manage our emotions and react with intention. It includes our ability to recognize when others’ emotions and respond effectively.
When our emotional intelligence is low, we may find relationships challenging, be misunderstood by others or have difficulty managing our own stress. When our emotional intelligence is high, the opposite would be true.
One way to improve your emotional intelligence is to reflect on and learn from your mistakes. If you prefer to avoid mistakes in your relationships and on the job, the activities and information in this article can help.
Responding with emotional intelligence
When we understand that needs drive behaviour, we can stop reacting to the behaviour and begin to respond to the needs. This applies to our own behaviour and others. It is our thoughts, memories, assumptions, implicit biases, upbringing and current state of wellbeing that impact on our emotions and behaviour. It’s not so much who we are as what we have learned to think and do.
When we take time to step back and consider the reasons for our own or others’ emotions, we can choose our reactions more intentionally.
- What drives behaviour? Recognize that all human behaviour is an attempt to meet a perceived or actual need. Choose to look beyond the behaviour and become curious about the need someone’s trying to meet.
- Acknowledge differences. Before reacting to someone’s behaviour, take a moment to consider what might be motivating it. Could it be their current health, family issues or life stressors?
- Attribution error. Whether we’re talking about our own behaviours or someone else’s, we’re likely to make assumptions about why they occurred. We often attribute behaviours to something either external or internal to the person.
- Before you say no. When people come to you with suggestions or requests, taking the time to understand where they are coming from before you say no helps build rapport by letting them know their opinion and needs matter.
- Emotionally intelligent emailing. Learn to write an email to avoid misunderstandings.
- Envision others’ evaluations. Explore why you might be perceived differently from how you would ultimately describe yourself.
- Envision your ideal self. Describing the best version of yourself in detail means you’re much more likely to reach that goal more often.
- Monitor your impact on others. Your mood can affects others, whether you wish it to or not. Strengthen your relationships by being aware of your impact on others.
- Practice non-judgmental interpretations. When we express judgment and criticism, we may shut down any chance of an open and honest discussion.
- Strengthening relationships. Learn to build, maintain and deepen any relationship for a stronger connection.
Language matters
Whether we’re talking or writing, we can use words to tear people down or lift them up, express respect and appreciation, or trigger anger or fear.
We can learn to express anger and other emotions in a way that does no harm and we can improve our listening and speaking skills with these techniques:
- Avoid blaming and shaming. Most people react negatively to being blamed or shamed. Learn to choose language that avoids triggering a negative response.
- Choose your words. Learn how your choice of words can make difficult conversations even more difficult.
- Distinguish acknowledgement from agreement. When people are told their opinions are wrong, they’re likely to become defensive or shut down. Learn to acknowledge their perspective without necessarily agreeing with what is said.
- Emotionally intelligent emailing. Learn to write an email to avoid misunderstandings.
- Express respect and appreciation. Tips and strategies to help you effectively give positive feedback.
- Improve listening and speaking skills. Tips and strategies to help you communicate well when someone is emotional.
Non-verbal communication
Our body language, level of intensity, communication style and ability to understand the other person’s perspective, are all critical parts of emotionally intelligent communication.
- Body language awareness. Effective communication isn’t limited to the words we say. Our non-verbal communication includes body language, tone of voice, eye contact and facial expressions.
- Communicating with clarity. Learn how to adjust the intensity of your communication to improve your ability to get your message across.
- Listen to understand. Listening is an important communication skill. It can become even more critical when you’re listening to someone who’s emotionally distressed.
- Monitor your communication style. Understanding when and why you use assertive, aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive communication styles can help you recognize your underlying emotions. This is particularly important for difficult conversations.
Having difficult conversations
What makes a conversation difficult is often our own discomfort. If we are comfortable with conflict, crying or criticism, we can have these discussions without difficulty. When we’re worried about how we or the other person will react, we are likely to feel uncomfortable.
Learning to be relaxed, curious and supportive in potentially difficult conversations requires a level of emotional intelligence that can be learned.
- Constructive criticism. Learn to provide constructive criticism to help resolve issues without conflict or misunderstanding.
- Dealing with a stressful boss. Strategies to help you maintain your well-being while working with a boss you find difficult.
- Express anger constructively. Learn to respond more effectively when you’re angry.
- Express emotions constructively. Bottling up emotions can harm our physical and mental health and damage our relationships. Learn to express difficult emotions constructively.
- Interpret negative feedback accurately. Most of us find it difficult to receive negative feedback. We may feel criticized, judged or blamed. Learn how to hear feedback as information about what we can do differently rather than who we are as a person.
- Preparing for a difficult conversation. Taking a few moments to reflect on your assumptions and intentions before beginning a difficult conversation can set you up to be more effective.
- Resolving personal conflict. Tips and techniques to use when dealing with conflict. These strategies are intended to help you resolve issues yourself.
- Responding to crying and whining. Many people feel uncomfortable with these displays of emotion. Learn how to respond in a more effective way.
- Respond to those who are emotionally distressed. Our own emotions, including frustration, guilt or pity can impact our ability to respond to someone in distress. Learn to recognize and manage your reactions.
- Supportive conversation library. Questions and strategies to help you have a supportive conversation with someone you care about on difficult topics like mental health, stress, addiction, anger, abuse or lying.
Understanding your emotions
A significant component of emotional intelligence is the understanding that all our emotions have a purpose. Even negative emotions provide information that something needs our attention or to change.
When you become self-aware, all emotions can be helpful in choosing our responses and actions.
- Anger as a symptom. Sometimes we react with behaviours that look like anger but are actually a symptom of an underlying emotion like guilt or shame.
- Build your emotional vocabulary. Learn to describe your emotions accurately based on their intensity level to improve communication and reduce misunderstanding.
- Emotional triggers. When we’re triggered, our reactions may be difficult for us and others to handle. Identify your triggers so you can manage your reactions.
- Link emotions, thoughts and behaviours. Learn how we associate our emotions – positive or negative – with the ways we think about ourselves, how we behave and how we perceive others and the world.
- Mental health awareness videos. Video interviews with people who experienced mental health issues at work discussing what helped. Their strategies and advice can act as virtual peer support and mental health awareness.
- The function of emotions. Learn to embrace the value of emotions so they can function as opportunities to learn and grow.
- Track your emotions. Gaining insight into why and when your emotions go up or down can be an important first step to enhancing your self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
- Understand anger. Learn to deal with anger in yourself and others.
- Understand fear. Learn to deal with fear in yourself and others.
- Understand guilt. Learn to deal with guilt in yourself and others.
- Understand sadness. Learn to deal with sadness in yourself and others.
- Understand shame. Learn to deal with shame in yourself and others.
- What were you thinking? Our thoughts are not facts. They are often assumptions, reactions or unfair self-criticisms. Learn to challenge your thoughts to manage your mind.
- Worry myths. It’s rarely, if ever, helpful to worry. Learn fact from fiction when it comes to worry.
Managing your reactions
When our emotions cause us to react in ways that are less than helpful, we can make the situation worse.
Choosing your reaction intentionally rather than emotionally is an important component of emotional intelligence.
- Explore your options. We have options for dealing with stress and adversity. Learn how one of the four A’s – Accept, Avoid, Alter or Adapt – can help you respond to stress.
- Managing stress in the moment. Techniques to help you reduce anxiety and deal with stressors more effectively throughout your day.
- Tame your self-talk. “You idiot!” You’d be offended if someone said this to you, but how often do you say it to yourself? Learn to make your self-talk more respectful.
- Tolerating confrontation. Unless we agree with everything that others say or do, conflict is inevitable. When we’re comfortable with conflict, we can see it as an opportunity to learn about another’s perspective and share our own.